I hate Valentine’s Day – And Baby’s 2 months old!

Well, the most ‘romantic’ day of the year has passed, and I say good riddance!  I’ve always found Valentine’s Day to be a big hooplah with no pizzaz. It’s a day that destined to produce failure since we all have high expectations of what the day should hold and get seriously depressed when it doesn’t live up to those stupid expectations.  Nobody can compete with those mushy movies and holiday commercials so why do we try, just to be let down year after year?  I’ve been with my DH since high school (14 years so far) and we’ve been married for five years (six this August).  We never really did anything terrifically huge for V-Day but I always had high hopes anyhow.  Like flowers delivered to work.  Or rose petals strewn around the house with candles.  Pretty dumb since we have two cats, two babies, and I’d be the one to clean it all up!  We use to go out for dinner to an overpriced restaurant and he’s buy me overpriced (beautiful) roses.  This year, we’re home with a newborn and a toddler.  No restaurant in the world would want us four to show up on V-Day. I get it.  But no flowers either.  And no card.  DH didn’t do anything for Valentine’s Day. His excuse is that he works from home so he couldn’t stop anywhere to pick something up.  Of course I got him something weeks ago (I always plan in advance).  And since I knew he didn’t get me anything, I did it myself.  I bought myself a gift card to a cafe. No flowers (which is fine) but a little token gift (which is all we get each other for Valentine’s Day) would have made my world. Especially since I’ve been sick for a while now and so sleep deprived that it’s making me depressed again.  So after making him feel like poop, he picks DD up from daycare and stopped at the bakery to buy us both some dessert.  Not sure if that makes up for feeling neglected.  Maybe I should have included in the card that I bought him that ordering online is possible for most Valentine’s gifts. I know this sounds shallow but feeling appreciated when I’m feeling so low and blue would have felt good. Instead I felt forgotten.  Plus, DH got sick last night with a fever (I’m thinking it’s a similar virus to the one I’m just getting over).  So when I was sick with a fever and carrying a crying baby around the house with me to quiet him, DH was watching a movie with a friggin cat on his lap!  Last night, he got to go to sleep at 8pm after putting DD to bed while I was left with DS to put my house back together (it was quite the mess). He gets to sleep alone in our big bed while I get to sleep in DS’s room on a horrible mattress so that I don’t get sick again. I was in tears last night. I can’t handle this. I’m not 100% recovered yet, but he’s sick and keeps telling me to keep the kids away from him (of course I had to deal with the kids when I am sick) and I’m cleaning the dishes (he says he doesn’t want to touch them and contaminate them when I had to when I was sick). I wish I could be a husband who is sick. Then I could do NOthING at all. He’s usually so helpful but he’s really ‘dropped the ball’ (thanks for the reference Heather!) this week with my illness now his.  I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do this. I just feel like I”m going to explode. I’m not sure how much more I can handle. I feel like I’m either being tested or punished.  I’ll definitely be bringing up this inequality when he feels better. And to top it all off, my mother broadcasts my terrible feelings last night when she called and I cried on her shoulder. She tells the family that she’s rushing over to sleep on my couch because she’s scared I’ll hurt myself or the baby (which I’ve never, ever done so I don’t know why she thought this). Argh! I have never felt more alone, inept or useless as a woman as I do as a mother.  This is my second baby and I don’t find it any easier.  I spent the night wallowing in self-misery.  I was a mess.  So my mother came and swooped in to save the day again. She slept over and that actually helped to calm me down.  In the end, the night wasn’t so bad.  Little man took a few times to go down (which is normal for him) and slept for three hours. He woke, slept for two, woke, slept for one, woke, slept for one.  This is his ‘normal’.  It’s worse when he wakes up less than an hour after putting him down (we’ve had a few nights like that lately) or if I can’t get him down again after a feeding (yep, we did that this past weekend too).  So although my little guy is two months old today, I’m afraid to say that his maturation when it comes to sleeping isn’t happening.  We have had a couple nights of six hours of sleep (straight) but those were a tease I’m afraid.  He also hasn’t slept much during the day either.  So he just doesn’t like sleep.  My daughter didn’t sleep in the day but slept through the night as of two months.  My boy just doesn’t want to sleep at all! Sheesh.  It’s upsetting just to think of it. I can’t sleep at night and he won’t let me sleep in the day either. It’s starting to get me depressed again. Here I thought I’d beat post-partum blues but the sleep deprivation coupled with illness is just bringing everything to a head.  I try all my relaxation techniques but nothing works when I am so upset.  My anxiety soars.  I find it hard to keep it together and that embarrasses me to the core.  If I can’t keep strong for my children, then what the hell am I to do?  I just hope that my DH gets well quickly so that things can return to normal.  Oh, and did I mention that DH has accepted a job that will have him traveling away from home about once a month?  He did this while DD was an infant and I had to move her and myself to my mom’s house while he was away.  I can’t do that this time so my mother has insisted that she’ll move herself right into my house instead.  I fee like such a baby!  I’m furious with him and his company.  I know jobs are tough so I should be happy to see that my husband is still employed. And since I want to go back to work part time at the end of my mat leave, then I really do want him to be working.  But this new job doesn’t come with a pay increase so my dreams for part time don’t ride on this job.  Uh-oh, baby’s up from his 20 minute nap and I’m off and running again. Ciao!

Two at home

My DD was sent home yesterday from daycare with a fever. She’s teething and it’s brutal. We tried taking her to daycare today but the newbie wouldn’t let us unless she’s been symptom free for 24 hours. My DH explained that’s it’s teething and not illness but she said teething could also be infection. Wtf?? And she is suppose to have been ece for ten years?? In any case she came back home symptom free. Just a little whiny. So today was my first day with both at home. I was scared! It actually went well even though poor girl was getting bored and jealous. The big problem was nap time. Baby girl only sleeps in the car! I got them both in the car. DS slept forty minutes before screaming. That woke DD who woke up after thirty minutes and she was not happy. DH was able to help with her a bit when I got them home, thankfully. I guess it was a success. I took it as a way to show myself and DH that I can be a p/t stay at home mom. But I don’t think I did a good enough job to convince him. I really want to stay home with the kids but his financial sense is hard to convince. I’m not sure how this story will end.

7 weeks old (almost)

So it’s the day before my son’s seven week birthday. It’s been an interesting week. We had two nights of five hours of sleep (straight through) and then two nights of bloody hell! The first horrible night had him waking every 40 minutes until the wee hours of the morning. He was screaming in terrible pain even when he did fall asleep. My husband watched over him until two in the morning and then I took over. I slept with him in his room the rest of the night. I was a zombie all morning since I didn’t sleep the rest of the night. He slept all day as long as I held him. It wasn’t normal. I had taken him to the doctor for a last minute appointment. Turns out that he’s colicky and at six weeks it hits its peak. He had a touch of colic since birth but I wasn’t worried about it. It didn’t bother him all night long like it did that one night. He was also diagnosed with bad reflux. Worse than ever and worse than his sister ever had it. He was put onto an antacid twice a day for a month. I’m told it’s not a cure-all and that I’ll just have to power through it. Argh! Last night was a little better. He only slept in my husband’s arms until two in the morning. Then I took over. He slept in his bassinet for two hours then woke up. I stayed with him from that moment on. Both times saw him screaming and straining until a fart came out then he’d pass out for an hour or so. At least today he’s been awake and not screaming a lot in the daytime. I’m hoping we’ve turned a corner and that he’ll be tired later tonight. It’s making me so anxious and frustrated. I’m crying along side him now. I feel totally useless. I just got use to the idea of him waking every hour and a half in the night. Now I can’t understand how or why things changed for the worse. I know I should t compare but my daughter started sleeping longer stretches at this point but my son is doing the complete opposite!

On another topic, my daughter is doing well. She seems to be teething again (her 24 month molars are starting to come in early). She’s got a runny nose and is sneezing again. She seems to still enjoy daycare so we’ve registered in there for another month. I still feel guilty about being home with the baby yet shipping her off. What a waste of money! There have been a few mornings that I hear my husband and her arguing about getting her out the door. But mostly she goes without complaint. And she comes home so chatty and excited! I’ve started doing the night routine with her to give us some special uninterrupted time together (and a baby out of my arms).

This Super Bowl weekend, my family is throwing a welcome home party for the baby. Them we’re hosting Super Bowl party that night. It will be a busy day! I’m looking forward to showing my babies off to our friends and family.

On a sad note, a family friend just lost her husband who was suffering terribly for months. Also, my anxiety has been spiking and it looks like I’m suffering from post-partum anxiety. Just great. Depression sneaks in every so often. I’m seeing my psychologist again and I hope it starts helping soon. I can’t start my meds while I’m nursing so it’s the next best thing at the moment. She’s giving me coping techniques. They don’t always help but it’s a start.

Ok duty calls and I need to jet. Pray we have a better night from now on!!

PS. Baby is seven weeks and four days. I don’t want to jinx anything but he’s just starting to get a little bit more predictable with sleeping at night. He takes three to four attempts to put him down (between 10 and 12 sometimes waking every ten minutes or more) until he sleeps. His first sleep is 3-5 hours long before waking. Then he takes a few attempts at putting him down again then sleeps another 2-3 hours. I end up sleeping in his room around 6am and bring him to bed. He sleeps with me until about 8 or 9 but does wake briefly a few times. He’s also copying his sister by cutting down naps to less than 45 minutes each nap. This makes him very sleepy and cranky at times. Just hoping his sleep at night continues to improve. I don’t mind only waking two or three times at night max.

5 weeks old

We’ve made the five week mark. It’s also the last week with my postpartum doula. I’m freaked! The nights with baby are so unpredictable that they cause so much anxiety for me! Either baby won’t go to sleep at all and I’m exhausted trying to get him down without him waking up as soon as my hands are removed from him. Or he’s waking up so frequently that I’m awake before I know it. I’m always tired when I’m on my own with the baby. I get no sleep the majority of the time. The only time I get any sleep is when I have the doula. Now that this is ending I’m freaking out a bit. My little guy sleeps for one long stretch at the early part of the night but there’s a problem when he sleeps this stretch early in the evening. He’ll give us maybe three hour straight then. Then he’s up every hour to an hour in a half. That gives me little sleep time especially if it takes a few times for me to get him settled in his bassinet. I’m not sure if I can do this on my own. Last night, after trying to get this little one down again for almost two hours, I got my husband to take over. He was up with the baby for 4.5 hours. I felt awful since I never usually get him for help and it was a work night. I felt guilty even though I shouldn’t. Plus, I pulled my neck yesterday and I can’t move it well. So being in pain and possibly getting sick again made last night even worse. I’m not cut out for infancy again. Not sure how I got through it last time. I know I keep saying that. It’s true! I’m hoping that the magic number 6 (weeks) still brings us more sleep as it did with DD. She stated sleeping three to four hours at a time then. Keep your fingers crossed! It doesn’t help that my pediatrician thinks I’m suffering from postpartum anxiety. Plus she wants me to find different ways of calming down baby rather than pacifying him with nursing and she doesn’t want me sleeping in his room and she wants me to let him cry a bit before going to him. I feel like I’m still not doing the right thing with my little guy even though it’s the second baby I’ve had!

Now for good news, the baby started cooing and smiling during week 4!! It’s adorable and makes things worthwhile.

Sleeplessness

Our doula will only be here for three days this week and that’s it. I’m so freaking anxious about that. Each weekend that I’ve been on my own with the baby, I’ve been a wreck. I need some sleep to function and I’m not getting it watching him two nights in a row. How the hell did I do this on my own with DD? Last night I hit an all time low. The night before didn’t afford me much sleep so the second night hit me hard. He didn’t go down until 1am (but at least slept for four hours before waking up frequently after that). I screamed at him, I violently shook the crib he was lying in, I said I hated him and everything that he’s doing to me. I finally just had him lying across my lap and started watching tv. That’s how my husband found us. He took the baby from me and started trying to sooth him. After an hour of trying, even he got upset and lost his temper. I took the baby back and just mashed him onto my boob. He finally latched and fell asleep. It was such a rough beginning to our night. He’s four weeks old and I was hoping he would start sleeping better. I was happy that his colic time seemed to have improved these past two evenings and baby and I had a nice first bath together. Then our hell began. How the hell will I get through his infancy? I started thinking that having him was a mistake and that I cant do this anymore and that I want to give him away. I think I am starting to understand how a parent goes off the deep end and accidentally kill their child out of frustration, anger, resentment, sleeplessness, and depression. I really, really hope he starts sleeping for longer stretches or I won’t survive. It’s brutal.

On a bright side, my husband is amazing. He’s doing such a great job with our toddler! He brings me a hot tea every weekday morning. He’s trying so hard to support and encourage me.

I was thinking back to the first week we had my DD and DS home. I looked after DD on her first night home and it was so hard. I walked her around the house all night and when my legs wouldn’t move anymore (I was carrying her, pushing her in the stroller in my family room), I took her to the spare room and sat up with her in bed the rest of the night. It was god awful and I was hysterical the next day. I called everyone I know to find help so my mom and MIL took turns sleeping over until they hired someone to stay for two weeks at night. We had mom stay with us right away and DS stayed mostly downstairs watching tv with her for the first two nights or in the spare bed with her as she watched Criminal Minds. He would stay in my arms for part of the early mornings to give mom a break.

I need to read this log the next time I think about having another baby (if I ever start thinking this again).

A few things

Since I have a moment, I thought I’d write here. I’m desperately trying to train my almost one month old son to wait at least two hours between feedings in the hopes that he will transfer those sleep skills to the nighttime. It’s still not happening. I had two brutal nights in a row. He was up every hour to an hour and a half each night. Brutal!!! And I couldn’t nap in the day as he’d only sleep on me or if I rocked him in his bassinet. Argh! Luckily the night doula saved me the next night. Problem is that I only have her for three more days this week and only three days total next week. Boo. I was hoping around a moth he’d start sleeping a little better from eating better. Well not yet! Keep your fingers crossed.

As for my little girl, she is doing very well. We’ve had good mommy-daughter time in the past two nights. Man I miss spending time with her.

Ok I’m being called to battle again. Sigh. Until later!

Year in Review

2011 was an exciting year.

I was busy rehabilitating my left arm since my accident the previous year. I can extent it to near perfect straightening. I can’t bend it completely and never will but I can use it and I can touch my face with it. I’ve had a lot of trouble with it locking while I use it and it’s still a lot weaker than my right arm. But it’s a LOT better!

I returned to work in grade one after being away for fifteen months. I was scared and worried but it went fast and well. Even with the handful I was told to expect!

I became pregnant with my second child and gave birth to a perfect and healthy baby boy! It was a great pregnancy and delivery!

We had our first family vacation at a nearby resort this past summer. It was a success! We had so much fun and I’d live to go back next year, if possible.

My darling daughter celebrated her first birthday and we had a great first birthday party. She’s so accomplished! She crawled then walked all before her first birthday. She started communicating by signing but now has developed a large vocabulary.

My husband is doing really well at work. His current project is almost done and he’s started looking for something new within the company.

We’ve had the good luck of getting reacquainted with some friends whom we lost touch with.

The relationship between me and my husband gets stronger every day, knock on wood!

Finally, we started house hunting this past summer. We didn’t find our dream house but we learned a lot about what we want and how much we want to pay for it. Maybe we’ll have luck this year! I know it’s going to be an accident free year for us all!!

Two week and twenty months

We find ourselves with a twenty month old daughter and almost three week old son. Where has time flown? And the best news is that both kids are doing well and I can fit into my pre-preggo jeans!! Let me fill you in on what’s happening.

My daughter had a great Christmas, Chanukkah and New Year. Last weekend she even went sledding with daddy and built a snowman with mommy! She loves going to daycare every day. She also loves coming home to her mommy and baby brother. We also just turned her car seat to forward facing for the first time. She is growing so quickly! She still won’t get anywhere near the bathtub for bath time. We still need to sponge bathe her and she barely tolerates that!

My son is growing quickly right before our eyes! He has gained a pound in twelve days. He’s still not sleeping much at night, to my horror and dismay. Thank goodness for my night doula. She’s up with him when he’s fussy and holds him for hours. She burps and changes him. She only gets me to feed him. Even that is usually twice a night as she gives him a bottle of expressed milk once a night. I have the privilege of staying up with him all night long on the weekends and that throws me into anxiety attacks. We’ve secured her for another two weeks. Hopefully after five weeks, he’ll be sleeping for longer stretches at a time so I can get some sleep. How on earth did I do this with my eldest by myself?! And although my husband tells to wake him so he can help me, the other night during a long fussy period, I handed the baby to him and after a while he said he can’t do this anymore. Well that’s just freaking great. What a help! I didn’t wake him up that night since there didn’t seem to be a point to it. In the morning he was upset that I didn’t lean on him for help. Sigh, I just can’t win. In any case, I’m hoping that the little one will start sleeping three hours or more at a time by the time the doula leaves. He’s also gotten use to being held when he sleeps (eek!) and snacking on me! That just sucks. He doesn’t eat enough to completely fill him up so that might be part of the reason he doesn’t sleep for long. I try hard to keep him from drinking unless it’s at least an hour and a half after his last meal. But when he’s fussing like crazy and nothing else works, I put him on the boob, which is a huge mistake. I’m really out of practice. I don’t know how to calm him. My DH and mother seem to do a better job than me. Sometimes I already feel like a failure as a mother. Then I look at my beautiful daughter and I figure that I haven’t screwed up too badly with her. And she’s been through a lot! Our little guy has trouble getting rid of gas, just like his sister!

I’m pretty tired and sometimes brain dead. I don’t have the biggest appetite so I’m shocked I’m producing so much milk. When I do eat, it’s not the most nutritious snack that I reach for…and I’m not really looking forward to DH going back to work on Monday. At least he works from home! Maybe I’ll feel better when I start leaving the home with him. I should also enroll us in some activities to meet other moms. There’s time for all of that. Until later!

New Baby!

I don’t have much time to write but on December 16th, my new baby boy was born! It was a fast delivery and he is hale and hearty. Things are a little crazy at home with him and my 20 month old daughter. She’s slowly adjusting to her new family and isn’t too upset if mommy can’t be with her all the time. She’s slowly learning that daddy is fun to play with too! We’re dealing with some gas issues, a reversal of days and nights, and a fussy time that occurs around 8pm to 1pm. Other than that, we’re doing well! We have a night doula who comes at night to help put the little man back to sleep. On the days that she’s here, all I do is feed him and she does the rest. I don’t mind the night feedings, it’s the putting him back down to sleep that takes over an hour each time! So I’m so relieved when she’s here. The days that she’s not here I suffer a lot of anxiety since I’m doing it on my own. As much as DH has offered to help me, it’s better that he gets his sleep to deal with the energetic little girl. At least one of us needs to be well rested to deal effectively with her! DH has taken three weeks off so I should be using him to his fullest potential. Unfortunately he also has a cold (as does DD, now DS and possibly even me). DD is in daycare during the week but the centre has been closed during the holidays so she’s home more with us and getting bored. Even her new toys can’t keep her attention for long it seems and it’s too damn cold outside to do anything with her there for any length of time. So I’m slowly getting use to having an infant around again. I can’t stand this infancy period. It’s full of uncertainty and anxiety. I”ll be happier when he’s a little older. But nursing is going pretty well (just one ruined side) and I haven’t had the blues like I did with DD. This I’m happy about! There’s a big difference between the blues from last time and occasional anxiety attacks. I can deal better with the anxiety. Duty calls and I”ll write more if there’s time!

PS. Update! I can’t remember all that happened but I’ll write here about his birth. I had been stretched twice by my OB leading up to his birth. It was the day before his due date. For a week I was having erratic contractions. The intensity was increasing but I still couldn’t predict when they’d come. I knew the time was near so I made sure to get sleep Thursday night. My mom was staying with us all week luckily. At one in the morning they started to really hit me hard. At two it was too hard to sleep but they weren’t close together enough. I kept trying to sleep between contractions. At four I was pacing like a caged tiger and I woke up my husband and mom. Then all of a sudden my contractions were coming so fast I couldn’t recover from one before the other started. When I called the hospital the contractions were two minutes apart consistently. They told me to come in. By the time I got to the mat ward, the contractions all but stopped! I was waiting in the hall for some time and was worried they would check me and send me home. After waiting ten minutes (after 5am), they called me in to triage. I stood up and my water broke like a tidal wave! I was so embarrassed because I was soaked! They put me in a room right away and I was four centimeters dilated. My nurse gave me oxitocen (sp?) to help bring the contractions back. I wasn’t sure I wanted an epidural this time but the contractions came so hard that I quickly changed my mind (and DH was going to kill me). Once I was comfortable, my nurse was taken away to surgery. My next nurse stayed for an hour. Then nobody came for a long time. They were very short staffed again. I finally called the nurse to make sure I wasn’t forgotten. I can’t remember her name but she was great. I was given oxygen since baby was in a little distress again. My doctor, Dr. Peters came in and was surprised to see a familiar face. She was called back by the nurse at 9:30am. Apparently I rapidly dilated to ten centimeters and we couldn’t believe they wanted me to start pushing. The epidural worked amazingly this time. I felt nothing! Baba stayed in the room to watch, which was a little creepy. The doctor thought baby would be here around lunch. So mom and my brother left to walk around. DH told his parents to come at lunch. Well, the nurse kept repositioning me and using warm compresses to stop the tearing (I did a little). At 10:00am, my son was born at 8lbs 2oz and 21″ and placed on my chest. I couldn’t believe it! They didn’t clean him up much and it too two more days before they finally cleaned him up. He had the cord around his neck like DD did so he didn’t cry at first and the nurse said he had a big head. Gee, thanks! Ryan couldn’t find my family so he had to text them (they were walking around). We had to call DH’s parents to come early. DH went to get DD from daycare and stayed home with her until she fell asleep. Then he stayed with me at the hospital. He left at six in the morning to be home when DD woke up. He stayed with her all Saturday until I came home. He sent mom to stay with me. He was scared of leaving me alone. We had a sleepless night of course. There apparently weren’t any chair/beds for DH so he slept sitting up. At one point I held DS in a chair so hubby could sleep a bit in my bed. It was hectic at the hospital since it was so short staffed. I didn’t even get breakfast the next day because my chart was wrong (no food order). It was ridiculous. This is my second delivery at the same hospital and I left feeling let down again. I came home after the first night because I missed DD and because I was in a private room and was scared where they would have moved me if I stayed. Also, he started choking in the next morning when I was alone. I hit the panic button to get help and grabbed him. I put him on his side and he spat out a ball of mucous. Because he was born so fast, the mucous in his chest didn’t get squeezed out and they don’t aspirate anymore.

When we came home, the house was a mess since DH didn’t have time to clean. DD was hysterical when she saw me. She wouldn’t stop crying and wouldn’t let me put her down for a second. She wasnt interested in her brother. I rocked her on the couch singing ‘I love you, you love me’ until she calmed down. It was an awful homecoming. Worse then when I came home after my arm surgery! Of course she was younger then. I spent the whole time away from home thinking of DD and telling DS about her.

Since then, my DD has been over the moon with her brother. She loves to hug and kiss him. She smothers him at every opportunity. I’m so proud of what I went through and of my two babies!

39 Weeks

So we are two days away from my due date.  I’m big and bulky and uncomfortable and thinking that I might be pregnant forever! I’m 3.5cm dilated and I have had bloody show for two weeks now. Next week we’ll have to talk about getting induced if things don’t progress.  I’m ready to have this little guy (well my body is I guess).  But my mind isn’t ready in the least!  I keep freaking out!  I’m not actually as ready as I think I am.  I know what the pain will be like and that scares the shit out of me!  And I don’t know how I’ll be able to take care of two little ones (even though one will be at daycare still for a while).  Of course I also get scared shitless when I think of how I reacted after my DD was born.  I didn’t want her.  I was terrified.  I was awkward.  I had the Baby Blues and nursing was a nightmare.  I was crying and shaking all the time. I hated life.  I hated what my infant child did to me.  I was exhausted and could never catch up with my sleep.  Everyone told me how much I must be enjoying my new child but inward I was screaming NO at them. It was horrible.  I was picturing myself doing horrible things to my baby. Thank god I didn’t act upon them.  It took a long time for me to bond with my child and for me to start loving her.  I feel terrible guilt just writing this.  I’ve taken a lot of steps to ensure that this doesn’t happen this time around but that horrible fear from 19 months ago just can’t get out of my head.  I keep focusing on my DD since she’s my ‘raison d’etre’ in every single way.  I just want her to be ok with this new change.  I just want her to be happy.  She’s what I know.  She’s who I live for.  I’m already being a little resentful of this little guy that I haven’t even met yet since I know it’s going to change my baby girl’s life forever.  I feel like a horrible mother and a terrible disappointment.  I know that we have a great relationship now and all that other stuff (including my arm accident) has just strengthened the bond between us.  She loves me.  She lights up when she sees me.  She calls out for me when she’s upset.  So I know I did a good job and she hasn’t been scarred for life. I know that things will be fine with the new one.  But how could I have done this to her?  I know I’m being hormonal and irrational.  I know I can’t wait for him to get here so that I can get into a new routine and reality.  It’s the unknown that kills me.  I know my life is about to change for the better.  I just hope I can live through this.  And to make things harder, my husband has been sick with a cold/cough since September and now my DD has it too. She’s miserable.  I just want her to be healthy to deal with what is coming her way.  I know she’ll be fine, in time, but I want her strong to deal with all the changes.  She’s such a great girl.  She makes me proud of her every single day.  I miss her now that I’m home waiting for the baby to come and she’s in daycare.  I’ve kept her home a few mornings to enjoy her.  And I really did!  She’s so excited about Christmas and winter coming.  She knows who Santa is and looks for him and for snowmen.  She still has weird irrational fears (like the bath) and we’re still trying to deal with them, patiently.  It’s getting frustrated.  Ok, I’ve shed enough tears now so it’s time to lie down.  This back labour sucks!  Keep you posted.