5 weeks old

We’ve made the five week mark. It’s also the last week with my postpartum doula. I’m freaked! The nights with baby are so unpredictable that they cause so much anxiety for me! Either baby won’t go to sleep at all and I’m exhausted trying to get him down without him waking up as soon as my hands are removed from him. Or he’s waking up so frequently that I’m awake before I know it. I’m always tired when I’m on my own with the baby. I get no sleep the majority of the time. The only time I get any sleep is when I have the doula. Now that this is ending I’m freaking out a bit. My little guy sleeps for one long stretch at the early part of the night but there’s a problem when he sleeps this stretch early in the evening. He’ll give us maybe three hour straight then. Then he’s up every hour to an hour in a half. That gives me little sleep time especially if it takes a few times for me to get him settled in his bassinet. I’m not sure if I can do this on my own. Last night, after trying to get this little one down again for almost two hours, I got my husband to take over. He was up with the baby for 4.5 hours. I felt awful since I never usually get him for help and it was a work night. I felt guilty even though I shouldn’t. Plus, I pulled my neck yesterday and I can’t move it well. So being in pain and possibly getting sick again made last night even worse. I’m not cut out for infancy again. Not sure how I got through it last time. I know I keep saying that. It’s true! I’m hoping that the magic number 6 (weeks) still brings us more sleep as it did with DD. She stated sleeping three to four hours at a time then. Keep your fingers crossed! It doesn’t help that my pediatrician thinks I’m suffering from postpartum anxiety. Plus she wants me to find different ways of calming down baby rather than pacifying him with nursing and she doesn’t want me sleeping in his room and she wants me to let him cry a bit before going to him. I feel like I’m still not doing the right thing with my little guy even though it’s the second baby I’ve had!

Now for good news, the baby started cooing and smiling during week 4!! It’s adorable and makes things worthwhile.

Sleeplessness

Our doula will only be here for three days this week and that’s it. I’m so freaking anxious about that. Each weekend that I’ve been on my own with the baby, I’ve been a wreck. I need some sleep to function and I’m not getting it watching him two nights in a row. How the hell did I do this on my own with DD? Last night I hit an all time low. The night before didn’t afford me much sleep so the second night hit me hard. He didn’t go down until 1am (but at least slept for four hours before waking up frequently after that). I screamed at him, I violently shook the crib he was lying in, I said I hated him and everything that he’s doing to me. I finally just had him lying across my lap and started watching tv. That’s how my husband found us. He took the baby from me and started trying to sooth him. After an hour of trying, even he got upset and lost his temper. I took the baby back and just mashed him onto my boob. He finally latched and fell asleep. It was such a rough beginning to our night. He’s four weeks old and I was hoping he would start sleeping better. I was happy that his colic time seemed to have improved these past two evenings and baby and I had a nice first bath together. Then our hell began. How the hell will I get through his infancy? I started thinking that having him was a mistake and that I cant do this anymore and that I want to give him away. I think I am starting to understand how a parent goes off the deep end and accidentally kill their child out of frustration, anger, resentment, sleeplessness, and depression. I really, really hope he starts sleeping for longer stretches or I won’t survive. It’s brutal.

On a bright side, my husband is amazing. He’s doing such a great job with our toddler! He brings me a hot tea every weekday morning. He’s trying so hard to support and encourage me.

I was thinking back to the first week we had my DD and DS home. I looked after DD on her first night home and it was so hard. I walked her around the house all night and when my legs wouldn’t move anymore (I was carrying her, pushing her in the stroller in my family room), I took her to the spare room and sat up with her in bed the rest of the night. It was god awful and I was hysterical the next day. I called everyone I know to find help so my mom and MIL took turns sleeping over until they hired someone to stay for two weeks at night. We had mom stay with us right away and DS stayed mostly downstairs watching tv with her for the first two nights or in the spare bed with her as she watched Criminal Minds. He would stay in my arms for part of the early mornings to give mom a break.

I need to read this log the next time I think about having another baby (if I ever start thinking this again).

A few things

Since I have a moment, I thought I’d write here. I’m desperately trying to train my almost one month old son to wait at least two hours between feedings in the hopes that he will transfer those sleep skills to the nighttime. It’s still not happening. I had two brutal nights in a row. He was up every hour to an hour and a half each night. Brutal!!! And I couldn’t nap in the day as he’d only sleep on me or if I rocked him in his bassinet. Argh! Luckily the night doula saved me the next night. Problem is that I only have her for three more days this week and only three days total next week. Boo. I was hoping around a moth he’d start sleeping a little better from eating better. Well not yet! Keep your fingers crossed.

As for my little girl, she is doing very well. We’ve had good mommy-daughter time in the past two nights. Man I miss spending time with her.

Ok I’m being called to battle again. Sigh. Until later!

Year in Review

2011 was an exciting year.

I was busy rehabilitating my left arm since my accident the previous year. I can extent it to near perfect straightening. I can’t bend it completely and never will but I can use it and I can touch my face with it. I’ve had a lot of trouble with it locking while I use it and it’s still a lot weaker than my right arm. But it’s a LOT better!

I returned to work in grade one after being away for fifteen months. I was scared and worried but it went fast and well. Even with the handful I was told to expect!

I became pregnant with my second child and gave birth to a perfect and healthy baby boy! It was a great pregnancy and delivery!

We had our first family vacation at a nearby resort this past summer. It was a success! We had so much fun and I’d live to go back next year, if possible.

My darling daughter celebrated her first birthday and we had a great first birthday party. She’s so accomplished! She crawled then walked all before her first birthday. She started communicating by signing but now has developed a large vocabulary.

My husband is doing really well at work. His current project is almost done and he’s started looking for something new within the company.

We’ve had the good luck of getting reacquainted with some friends whom we lost touch with.

The relationship between me and my husband gets stronger every day, knock on wood!

Finally, we started house hunting this past summer. We didn’t find our dream house but we learned a lot about what we want and how much we want to pay for it. Maybe we’ll have luck this year! I know it’s going to be an accident free year for us all!!

Two week and twenty months

We find ourselves with a twenty month old daughter and almost three week old son. Where has time flown? And the best news is that both kids are doing well and I can fit into my pre-preggo jeans!! Let me fill you in on what’s happening.

My daughter had a great Christmas, Chanukkah and New Year. Last weekend she even went sledding with daddy and built a snowman with mommy! She lives going to daycare every day. She also loves coming home to her mommy and baby brother. We also just turned her car seat to forward facing for the first time. She growing so quickly! She still won’t get anywhere near the bathtub for bath time. We still need to sponge bathe her and she barely tolerates that!

My son is growing quickly right before our eyes! He has gained a pound in twelve days. He’s still not sleeping much at night, to my horror and dismay. Thank goodness for my night doula. She’s up with him when he’s fussy and holds him for hours. She burps and changes him. She only gets me to feed him. Even that is usually twice a night as she gives him a bottle of expressed milk once a night. I have the privilege of staying up with him all night long on the weekends and that throws me into anxiety attacks. We’ve secured her for another two weeks. Hopefully after five weeks, he’ll be sleeping for linger stretches at a time so I can get some sleep. How on earth did I do this with my eldest by myself?! And although my husband tells to wake him so he can help me, the other night during a long fussy period, I handed the baby to him and after a while he said he can’t do this anymore. Well that’s just freaking great. What a help! I didn’t wake him up that night since there didn’t seem to be a point to it. In the morning he was upset that I didn’t lean on him for help. Sigh, I just can’t win. In any case, I’m hoping that the little one will start sleeping three hours or more at a time by the time the doula leaves. He’s also gotten use to being held when he sleeps (eek!) and snacking on me! That just sucks. He doesn’t eat enough to completely fill him up so that might be part of the reason he doesn’t sleep for long. I try hard to keep him from drinking unless it’s at least an hour and a half after his last meal. But when he’s fussing like crazy and nothing else works, I put him on the boob, which is a huge mistake. I’m really out of practice. I don’t know how to calm him. My DH and mother seem to do a better job than me. Sometimes I already feel like a failure as a mother. Then I look at my beautiful daughter and I figure that I haven’t screwed up too badly with her. And she’s been through a lot! Our little guy has trouble getting rid of gas, just like his sister!

I’m pretty tired and sometimes brain dead. I don’t have the biggest appetite so I’m shocked I’m producing so much milk. When I do eat, it’s not the most nutritious snack that I reach for…and I’m not really looking forward to DH going back to work on Monday. At least he works from home! Maybe I’ll feel better when I start leaving the home with him. I should also enroll us in some activities to meet other moms. There’s time for all of that. Until later!

New Baby!

I don’t have much time to write but on December 16th, my new baby boy was born!  It was a fast delivery and he is hale and hearty. Things are a little crazy at home with him and my 20 month old daughter. She’s slowly adjusting to her new family and isn’t too upset if mommy can’t be with her all the time.  She’s slowly learning that daddy is fun to play with too!  We’re dealing with some gas issues, a reversal of days and nights, and a fussy time that occurs around 8pm to 1pm.  Other than that, we’re doing well!  We have a night doula who comes at night to help put the little man back to sleep.  On the days that she’s here, all I do is feed him and she does the rest.  I don’t mind the night feedings, it’s the putting him back down to sleep that takes over an hour each time!  So I’m so relieved when she’s here.  The days that she’s not here I suffer a lot of anxiety since I’m doing it on my own. As much as DH has offered to help me, it’s better that he gets his sleep to deal with the energetic little girl.  At least one of us needs to be well rested to deal effectively with her!  DH has taken three weeks off so I should be using him to his fullest potential.  Unfortunately he also has a cold (as does DD, now DS and possibly even me).  DD is in daycare during the week but the centre has been closed during the holidays so she’s home more with us and getting bored.  Even her new toys can’t keep her attention for long it seems and it’s too damn cold outside to do anything with her there for any length of time.  So I’m slowly getting use to having an infant around again. I can’t stand this infancy period.  It’s full of uncertainty and anxiety.  I”ll be happier when he’s a little older.  But nursing is going pretty well (just one ruined side) and I haven’t had the blues like I did with DD.  This I’m happy about!  There’s a big difference between the blues from last time and occasional anxiety attacks.  I can deal better with the former than the latter.  Duty calls and I”ll write more if there’s time!

39 Weeks

So we are two days away from my due date.  I’m big and bulky and uncomfortable and thinking that I might be pregnant forever! I’m 3.5cm dilated and I have had bloody show for two weeks now. Next week we’ll have to talk about getting induced if things don’t progress.  I’m ready to have this little guy (well my body is I guess).  But my mind isn’t ready in the least!  I keep freaking out!  I’m not actually as ready as I think I am.  I know what the pain will be like and that scares the shit out of me!  And I don’t know how I’ll be able to take care of two little ones (even though one will be at daycare still for a while).  Of course I also get scared shitless when I think of how I reacted after my DD was born.  I didn’t want her.  I was terrified.  I was awkward.  I had the Baby Blues and nursing was a nightmare.  I was crying and shaking all the time. I hated life.  I hated what my infant child did to me.  I was exhausted and could never catch up with my sleep.  Everyone told me how much I must be enjoying my new child but inward I was screaming NO at them. It was horrible.  I was picturing myself doing horrible things to my baby. Thank god I didn’t act upon them.  It took a long time for me to bond with my child and for me to start loving her.  I feel terrible guilt just writing this.  I’ve taken a lot of steps to ensure that this doesn’t happen this time around but that horrible fear from 19 months ago just can’t get out of my head.  I keep focusing on my DD since she’s my ‘raison d’etre’ in every single way.  I just want her to be ok with this new change.  I just want her to be happy.  She’s what I know.  She’s who I live for.  I’m already being a little resentful of this little guy that I haven’t even met yet since I know it’s going to change my baby girl’s life forever.  I feel like a horrible mother and a terrible disappointment.  I know that we have a great relationship now and all that other stuff (including my arm accident) has just strengthened the bond between us.  She loves me.  She lights up when she sees me.  She calls out for me when she’s upset.  So I know I did a good job and she hasn’t been scarred for life. I know that things will be fine with the new one.  But how could I have done this to her?  I know I’m being hormonal and irrational.  I know I can’t wait for him to get here so that I can get into a new routine and reality.  It’s the unknown that kills me.  I know my life is about to change for the better.  I just hope I can live through this.  And to make things harder, my husband has been sick with a cold/cough since September and now my DD has it too. She’s miserable.  I just want her to be healthy to deal with what is coming her way.  I know she’ll be fine, in time, but I want her strong to deal with all the changes.  She’s such a great girl.  She makes me proud of her every single day.  I miss her now that I’m home waiting for the baby to come and she’s in daycare.  I’ve kept her home a few mornings to enjoy her.  And I really did!  She’s so excited about Christmas and winter coming.  She knows who Santa is and looks for him and for snowmen.  She still has weird irrational fears (like the bath) and we’re still trying to deal with them, patiently.  It’s getting frustrated.  Ok, I’ve shed enough tears now so it’s time to lie down.  This back labour sucks!  Keep you posted.

35 weeks pregnant with an 18 month old

So it’s been quite some time since I’ve written.  So much has happened and there has been no time to document it all.  I have had a great and uneventful pregnancy (thankfully) but as of my eighth month, I think I’m done.  I’m exhausted and in pain all the time.  The stretch marks are worse now than they were with DD.  I can’t sleep (not surprising).  I have muscle pulls everywhere and muscle cramps everywhere.  The heartburn is now so bad that I’m on Zantac since Tums wasn’t doing it for me anymore.  Luckily I don’t have the severe headaches I had with DD but I still have them on occasion. It’s hard to work in grade one when you feel devoid of all energy so I always feel like a bad teacher who is shortchanging my kids.  Then I pick up my DD who is now 18 months old and I have no energy OR patience for her.  So we both end some days in tears.  I hate that I yell at her when she’s having a tantrum.  I know better than that.  So I feel like  a bad mother.  I’ve decided that without a doubt, to be a good mother I have to go to part time when I come back to school.  I need to do better and I know that I can.  Just not while being a full time teacher when the kids are so young.

On a high note, Sophie has been developing so much these days.  Since her 17th month, she’s really developed her vocabulary.  She started saying two word sentences as of her 18th month (hi dada, bye dada). She still LOVES the outdoors and says ‘side’ at every opportunity.  She just wants to be out and about.  Luckily, this week she’s started to wear her winter hat and mittens.  But it was a struggle before that and our weather is getting colder each day.  She is jumping (sort of) now and singing songs.  She knows a lot of familiar songs (Twinkle, Twinkle, ABC, Baa Baa, Itsy Bitsy Spider, etc) and sings them with me and by herself. She also started counting (2, 3, 4) and saying the alphabet (A,B,C,D). It’s adorable!   Unfortunately, with her cuteness comes her wickedness.  She has these wicked temper tantrums!  She screams, cries, throws things, and flings herself onto the floor.  That cause mega problems at daycare one day.  She had a fit and threw herself on the ground while holding the ECE workers hand and dislocated her elbow.  Nobody realized that at the time and when I picked her up, all they said was that she was really cranky all afternoon.  And she was!  I couldn’t believe how much she cried when I put her coat on and off and took her in and out of the car.  It was unreal.  Then I realized when I watched her play with my DH that she wasn’t able to move her left arm.  I freaked and called daycare just to find out again what happened.  I thought she might have dislocated her shoulder.  The ER would have taken forever and her doctor’s office was closed so we went to a walk in clinic nearby.  He barely looked at her and said her shoulder was fine.  He suggested that it was a muscle pull and we should medicate her for two days straight.  So she didn’t sleep much that night (no kidding) and luckily her doctor was available Saturday morning.  He diagnosed her elbow problem immediately and popped it back in.  FYI it was called Nursemaid’s Elbow and it can happen so easily because the tendons aren’t strong enough yet.  After her second birthday they get stronger and it shouldn’t happen anymore.  I spoke with daycare and they felt badly.  It really was nobody’s fault.  But everyone has to be extra gentle with her arms now just in case.  In that same week, she was bitten by two kids and had her head clonked twice pretty hard.  October was a hard month!

Sophie’s stranger anxiety is at an all time high.  She didn’t have her picture taken with daycare or for my maternity shots because new people scare her.  Everything that caused high anxiety for her lately.  She scared of baths every since she slipped in one (but didn’t fall).  She doesn’t like the tv. Dark rooms scare her too.  And she’s having bad dreams sometimes. I’m told it’s a phase she’ll outgrow.  It all seems to be happening at the same time as her mommy-itis is getting worse.  I think the baby coming is really dawning on her now.  She doesn’t want to share her things with baby.  If I put something away she screams ‘mine’ and takes it back. Today I had a gathering at my house with a baby there.  She was so upset if I held him.  She didn’t want to share her mommy, daddy or her toys.  And she wanted to take his toys away from him too.  We’re in for some trouble.  I had a heart to heart with her while waiting for DH at the store.  I told her how much we love her and that it wouldn’t ever change no matter what.  She’ll always be our best girl.  We’ll always have a special bond as my first born child.  And yes things will change forever but we’ll get through it and find a new family way.  Then I started to cry and she started laughing.  DH came back and saw this.  I told him it was a pregnancy moment.  Sigh.  She didn’t like Halloween because of the costumes and the many people ringing our doorbell.  She went to two houses before freaking out and coming home.  That wasn’t an easy night.  Her transition to the new time change wasn’t too bad.  After two hard days, she seem to figure things out.

I have three weeks left of school.  I have just finished report cards and I have interviews coming up before I go.  Plus I have to train the LTO.  I also just had my evaluation done so that took a lot out of me too. I’m ready to be at home for a bit.  I almost feel jealous of those royals from long ago who were confined to their room a month before going into labour.  Almost I said.  I will be taking two weeks off and I’m not sure if that is enough. I have huge concerns about this one coming early (DD was two weeks early).  It will be as it will be.  He’s far enough along that he’ll hopefully be ok.  I’m just nervous about what time of the day I’ll go into labour as I don’t know exactly how my daughter will be (or where she’ll be).  That part of it is getting me really nervous.  My bag is packed and ready to go.   The Braxton Hicks contractions are getting me ticked off at the moment.  The baby’s room is getting there (but not quite).  We still have a ways to go so I hope the little pea can bake for a few more weeks.

My elbow is popping, getting stuck (straight or bent) and killing me all day and night.  I’m not sure if this is a pregnancy thing (relaxin loosening my joints).  So we’ll see how things are a few weeks/months after baby is here.  I might have to see the surgeon in the new year.

We had a busy weekend and I had to stay up late for the last two nights. Plus DD was up last night with a bad dream so I’m tired. I know there’s more to write, but I just can’t.

29 weeks and a 17 month old

Wow it’s been a while!  I’m back at work and I find that I have no time to blog. Sigh.  But I have only another ten weeks or so of work before mat leave part deux starts.  So where did I leave off?  I am incredibly sleepy and tired all the time.  I do NOT sleep at night (pain, pee and insomnia keep me up).  So I feel like a zombie.  And when I get home after picking little princess up after daycare, I don’t have the energy or creativity to be the mommy she wants/needs me to be.  I feel terrible.  I think that regardless of the cons of going part time when I go back to work next year, it is something I really need to think about.  I don’t feel like a good parent.  Granted I’m exhausted now from being pregnant and that will change, but I’m not there for my child.  It kills me to think that I should be doing better but time doesn’t allow for it.  This week my husband has been away from business but still in town (make sense?).  So I’ve been the solo parent for pick up, dinner, play time and sleep routine.  I don’t find it as bad as I thought it would be.  Again, I’m not the 100% mom I should be but we do have fun together.  That’s the important part.  Even if I don’t want to sit on the floor with her because I can’t get up or get comfortable.  We even played outside together after dinner.  We haven’t done that since the summer!

She’s doing well.  She had double pink eye a few weeks ago but has since recovered.  She has a perpetual cold/cough since day one at day care.  But so have I!  My third trimester has hit me hard.  I’m exhausted.  I have sciatica that makes my life difficult.  It’s slowing me down and I’m finding it hard to be comfortable and move around well.  So much for an easier pregnancy than the first!  But I am enjoying this one more I think.  I get depressed thinking about this being my last pregnancy and child.  But there is still lots to look forward to.  We hope to go apple picking this weekend.  We went a year ago when baby was still a baby but this year will be different.  We had a good Rosh Hashanah but it was very busy and rushed.  I missed having my baby and husband with me for the family events on day one.  I can’t believe we find ourselves in October already!  Time really flies when you’re back at work.  At least the cold weather is making me not sweat all the time.

Ok I guess that’s my update. I need to finish the laundry and jump into the book I”m reading that just took a turn for the worse.  Can’t wait to find out what James Patterson has in store for me!  Gnight all!

21 weeks (almost 22)

I have an active little guy inside of me!  From previous experience, I’m not sure if he’s as active as my DD was.  And man was she an active little one!  Of course, she is still very active.  Her legs never stop!  Even in sleep she’s always moving around.  I should have been worried while I was pregnant…I didn’t know!  She barely naps in the daytime because she can’t turn everything off.  Luckily she still sleeps around 12 hours straight at night so I won’t complain.  Back to baby number two, he is also an active baby.  I’ve had a couple nights recently where he has woken me up with all his movement.  Even though I’m carrying high (my DD was incredibly low), and I have the stretch marks to prove it now, he seems to enjoy doing barrel rolls low on my bladder!  It always takes me by surprise!  But otherwise I’m doing really well and continuing to enjoy this pregnancy.  I’m still pretty upset just thinking about how this will be my last pregnancy.  My gf who is also pregnant and having a hard second pregnancy is happy to think that this is her last one.  She is not in the least sad about it.  I am.  I guess we need to get through life with two kids before I should even be conceiving the thought of adding a third to our family.

As for my DD, she’s sick with another cold.  Damn daycare.  When she gets sick, it lingers for weeks.  So far we’re starting our second week of illness and now I’m getting sick and my DH might be too.  But at least he’s taking Echinacea and Vitamin C.  I can’t take anything!  I’ve been drinking a little more orange juice to help me fight off the cold.  But my throat is killing me!  Back to DD, she’s learning how to walk around on her tippy toes, she’s hugging us more often (me usually), she’s getting really good with her animal sound identification, and she was able to pick out nursery books based on what I was singing to her.  It was so cute!  She’s also feeding herself with a little more accuracy.  She still has mommy-itis most of the time.  And she’s not enjoying daycare very much these days.  They are slowly trying to get her ready for the toddler room, rather than the infant room, so she’s just not enjoying herself anymore.  Poor thing.  But she really is doing so well.  We are so very proud of her every single minute of the day.  Even on her off days.  We love her even more for those days.

We’re also still looking for a new house closer to our parents’ homes.  We’ve been looking since the spring but haven’t been lucky enough to find either the right house or the right neighbourhood.  It’s really frustrating.  Now that I’m closer to going back to work and approaching my third trimester, I’m not sure if I want to move right now.  I’m not sure when’s a good time to move.  Either we’re moving one kid or two.  But I’m also getting too tired to pack and clean on a daily basis.  On the other hand, I’m getting resentful of the fact that I live so damn far from where I want to be!  But where I am now, I’m close to the hospital I’ll be delivering at, my DD’s daycare, work, and my DD’s doctor.  So why should we be moving?  Good question.  I want to be closer to my mom and grandmother.  They are the biggest source of support and strength for me (aside from my DH of course) and in these stressful times coming up, I know I’ll need them more than ever.  They got me through baby number one.  I know I’ll need them even more for baby number two.  So it’s driving me crazy that I’m not in my zone of comfort yet.  And I might not be when baby comes in December.  Sigh.  I also know that they will be by my side at the drop of a hat if I need them.  But I hate to inconvenience them in the winter time.  Of course they’d think I’m crazy to think about this as an inconvenience to them.  They really wouldn’t.  In any case, my dilemma and frustrations are still here.  I think I’ve pretty much decided in my mind that we’re not moving but my heart says something else.  I hate this!

Ok enough of a rant.  Time to get some much needed sleep.  Baby’s going nuts right now so I’m not sure how much sleep I’ll be getting.