So we are two days away from my due date. I’m big and bulky and uncomfortable and thinking that I might be pregnant forever! I’m 3.5cm dilated and I have had bloody show for two weeks now. Next week we’ll have to talk about getting induced if things don’t progress. I’m ready to have this little guy (well my body is I guess). But my mind isn’t ready in the least! I keep freaking out! I’m not actually as ready as I think I am. I know what the pain will be like and that scares the shit out of me! And I don’t know how I’ll be able to take care of two little ones (even though one will be at daycare still for a while). Of course I also get scared shitless when I think of how I reacted after my DD was born. I didn’t want her. 
I was terrified. I was awkward. I had the Baby Blues and nursing was a nightmare. I was crying and shaking all the time. I hated life. I hated what my infant child did to me. I was exhausted and could never catch up with my sleep. Everyone told me how much I must be enjoying my new child but inward I was screaming NO at them. It was horrible. I was picturing myself doing horrible things to my baby. Thank god I didn’t act upon them. It took a long time for me to bond with my child and for me to start loving her. I feel terrible guilt just writing this. I’ve taken a lot of steps to ensure that this doesn’t happen this time around but that horrible fear from 19 months ago just can’t get out of my head. I keep focusing on my DD since she’s my ‘raison d’etre’ in every single way. I just want her to be ok with this new change. I just want her to be happy. She’s what I know. She’s who I live for. I’m already being a little resentful of this little guy that I haven’t even met yet since I know it’s going to change my baby girl’s life forever. I feel like a horrible mother and a terrible disappointment. I know that we have a great relationship now and all that other stuff (including my arm accident) has just strengthened the bond between us. She loves me. She lights up when she sees me. She calls out for me when she’s upset. So I know I did a good job and she hasn’t been scarred for life. I know that things will be fine with the new one. But how could I have done this to her? I know I’m being hormonal and irrational. I know I can’t wait for him to get here so that I can get into a new routine and reality. It’s the unknown that kills me. I know my life is about to change for the better. I just hope I can live through this. And to make things harder, my husband has been sick with a cold/cough since September and now my DD has it too. She’s miserable. I just want her to be healthy to deal with what is coming her way. I know she’ll be fine, in time, but I want her strong to deal with all the changes. She’s such a great girl. She makes me proud of her every single day. I miss her now that I’m home waiting for the baby to come and she’s in daycare. I’ve kept her home a few mornings to enjoy her. And I really did! She’s so excited about Christmas and winter coming. She knows who Santa is and looks for him and for snowmen. She still has weird irrational fears (like the bath) and we’re still trying to deal with them, patiently. It’s getting frustrated. Ok, I’ve shed enough tears now so it’s time to lie down. This back labour sucks! Keep you posted.
