Our doula will only be here for three days this week and that’s it. I’m so freaking anxious about that. Each weekend that I’ve been on my own with the baby, I’ve been a wreck. I need some sleep to function and I’m not getting it watching him two nights in a row. How the hell did I do this on my own with DD? Last night I hit an all time low. The night before didn’t afford me much sleep so the second night hit me hard. He didn’t go down until 1am (but at least slept for four hours before waking up frequently after that). I screamed at him, I violently shook the crib he was lying in, I said I hated him and everything that he’s doing to me. I finally just had him lying across my lap and started watching tv. That’s how my husband found us. He took the baby from me and started trying to sooth him. After an hour of trying, even he got upset and lost his temper. I took the baby back and just mashed him onto my boob. He finally latched and fell asleep. It was such a rough beginning to our night. He’s four weeks old and I was hoping he would start sleeping better. I was happy that his colic time seemed to have improved these past two evenings and baby and I had a nice first bath together. Then our hell began. How the hell will I get through his infancy? I started thinking that having him was a mistake and that I cant do this anymore and that I want to give him away. I think I am starting to understand how a parent goes off the deep end and accidentally kill their child out of frustration, anger, resentment, sleeplessness, and depression. I really, really hope he starts sleeping for longer stretches or I won’t survive. It’s brutal.
On a bright side, my husband is amazing. He’s doing such a great job with our toddler! He brings me a hot tea every weekday morning. He’s trying so hard to support and encourage me.
I was thinking back to the first week we had my DD and DS home. I looked after DD on her first night home and it was so hard. I walked her around the house all night and when my legs wouldn’t move anymore (I was carrying her, pushing her in the stroller in my family room), I took her to the spare room and sat up with her in bed the rest of the night. It was god awful and I was hysterical the next day. I called everyone I know to find help so my mom and MIL took turns sleeping over until they hired someone to stay for two weeks at night. We had mom stay with us right away and DS stayed mostly downstairs watching tv with her for the first two nights or in the spare bed with her as she watched Criminal Minds. He would stay in my arms for part of the early mornings to give mom a break.
I need to read this log the next time I think about having another baby (if I ever start thinking this again).
